Can we find long lasting love on the Net?

In the United States, already 30% of married couples since 2005 come from dating sites. But if the candidates for love 3.0 are numerous, a recent American study does not give much of their future. They would be less solid than those whose paths have crossed in real life. Investigation.

Millions of people are now registered on dating sites. Even the most reluctant end up trying the experience to have fun or curiosity, they say … One thing is certain, this new market of online love multiplies the opportunities. But what happens to these couples who have identified themselves on the Web?

Some believe them solid. After all, sites can target critical criteria from the start to avoid mistakes and save time. Others are less seduced by the concept. How to establish a lasting relationship when we want to control everything of our destiny by determining the profile of the loved one as we buy a sofa.

An artificial intimacy?

Published in the American journal Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking, the verdict of scientists has fallen. A couple trained on the Internet is less likely to last in time. About 8% of American couples, married and from dating sites, are separated or divorced after three years. On the side of unions that have been forged in a more traditional way (via friends, work, etc.), they are only 2%. The difference is not huge, however it questions. These couples of the Web would not resist the temptation to return to the sites. The large panel of partners would convey the idea that they can always find better. To this profusion of possible stories, adds an artificial intimacy, according to the researchers. Results to relativize since last year, another study advanced the exact opposite by noting that the digital meetings gave more durable unions. So what is it really?

While virtual appointments become commonplace, they become a way to approach someone almost like any other. “It’s a way of coming into contact. This does not prevent good things or problems to happen, “says Juliette Allais, psychotherapist and author of Love, the meaning of our meetings (Ed Eyrolles). The magic of love would be exercised on the Net as elsewhere … Really?

The trap of fantasy

But the virtual, because it makes it possible to shape a character, to embellish oneself and because it removes the distressing moment of the physical encounter, often decisive, sometimes prolongs the fantasy and the feelings. Serious mistake … Behind his screen, deprived of skin contact, looks and voice, we embellish the story without the five senses alert us. With a virtual lover, one sometimes delivers oneself more easily, as delivered from shyness. “I think that people who really play the game do much more than in real life,” says Pascal Couderc, psychoanalyst and author of Love at the corner of the screen, from fantasy to reality (Ed Albin Michel) . There is a true knowledge of the other because it is easier to reveal oneself and speak without being seen. In short, the barriers jump, modesty with.

But if intimacy exists, it is nonetheless virtual and opens a boulevard to fantasy. If the latter inflames the exchanges at the beginning, it is especially harmful for the relations made in Web. An enthusiasm that skyrockets, an unrealistic photo, humor exacerbated in the written but at half-oral … Deception is never far away. Psychosociologist and life coach Patricia Delahaie (1) is adamant. To avoid the trap, one solution: “We must meet very quickly, no more than a month after the first exchange. In practice, the psychoanalyst Pascal Couderc confirms: “I receive more and more couples from the Internet who come to consult early to overcome the gap between fantasy and reality. There is a real job to do to adapt. “Everything we said must be validated by physical contact. Via digital, it is easier to create a character. The challenge is ultimately to be honest, “he says. Because if the anxiety of the meeting is great, the temptation to idealize the potential partner is all the more so and announces setbacks. How could this future partner exist alongside a pre-created model?

What is worth in the love market

In the end, the rest of the virtual meeting depends on us, the state of mind of the subscribers on these sites. Some come obviously to comfort themselves, to evaluate what they are worth in the market of the love. For others, the goal is not good. They collect conquests and fool them to achieve their ends. But many sincerely think of finding someone. They opt for the Web for shyness, lack of time, experience. To find partners of their age and available. Difficult to discover someone when you have spent decades with the same person and you are surrounded by couples … But some also make their first click for ease. After all, meeting on the Internet, fast, requires almost no effort.

But to want too that the contact is fruitful and quickly, the behavior can play tricks. “The impatience or anguish provokes many disappointments because we commit too quickly in a relationship that does not correspond to us. We pass to the other a kind of job interview, as if the love corresponded to boxes, “adds psychosociologist Patricia Delahaie.

Control can change everything

A “job interview” revealing a need to control and direct the ship. The variety of dating sites demonstrates this. The elitist Attractive World offers partners CSP + and Mektoube surfs religion. If you want to finish your life with a red, a vegan or a lover of meat, it is possible. “It conveys the idea that you can find a shoe at your feet because you have access to a machine, but it’s total idiocy,” said psychotherapist Juliette Allais. Is not there always a part that escapes us in the meeting of two people? Here, the exchange is already distorted with these boxes checked, as if they were guarantors of future success. The psychotherapist warns: “The risk is that we are mistaken in the very idea of ​​the meeting. In the end we are no longer available for the surprise that the other creates on arrival. ”

Couples also like to tell the sum of chances that contributed to their union, as if the invisible hand of destiny signed true love. Moreover, if the sites become more and more democratic, we do not scream on all the rooftops that we have a meeting Meetic next Saturday. Because these sites are negatively connoted. As if they were the last resort after trying everything. “There is a kind of denial. We are not ashamed but we are a little sorry anyway, “says Patricia Delahaie. Why ? Uses cover the meeting of mythology. We can not say that the functional and the mechanics of computer science glamorise … “We need to give the relationship a predestination, a happy coincidence. On the Internet there is an absolutely unnatural side, the meeting is artificial, “says the author.

But whether it is of virtual or real origin, if the two postulants match and echo each other, the couple finally has no reason to be less solid than another …